- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
- Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
- If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- 5
- You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
- By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
- The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
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